My love-hate relationship with Weight Watchers

So far I've been on Weight Watchers for 3 weeks. Here's the top five list of reasons that I love to hate and hate to love the program.

5. The "eat less/move more" chatter. I find it over-simplistic, and resent that people are always going on with the "eat less/move more" thing (especially thin people, especially thin people who can eat all day and never gain a pound, especially thin doctor people who tell me that I have a cold because I am fat and I should just eat less and move more and then want me to be suddenly enlightened because they have given me the Answer to the Universe). Ok, fine. It's good and basic. But it does not address issues like metabolism, genetics, problems real people have with moving more, eating less, etc. And it causes such a visceral reaction for me because I've seen doctors for years who think every ailment I've ever had is weight-related, from an ear infection to a broken toe.

4. The crappy online interface.  Although the options for recording food are pretty simple and user friendly, I can't enter simple exercises such as a run at a certain speed for a certain time. And the points offered for activities are not based on my weight. The group formats are crappy, as are the challenge format. These guys have money spilling out of boxes- $40 a month per person, you think they could hire a GD web developer to neaten this stuff up. The website should be so super-charged that people are fighting to get in. There are better ad-supported sites (oh yeah, their site also has ads) out there on the interwebs. Really, get it together WW.

3. The lack of nutritional tracking. And I am pretty sure "points plus" is not designed to simplify eating for the end-user-- it keeps the measurements propitiatory so that you need to be a member to figure out your points and how much to eat. It does not allow one to track nutritional information to see the split of carbs/fat/protein. It does not track calories or vitamins. I would like to see the whole picture. Sometimes I double track in a free program to see these other things- why couldn't they incorporate a system like this?

2. The weight-focused philosophy. It's all about how many pounds. Although I am trying to keep a healthy mindset and escape from my lifelong scale-focused fight with my health, this brings everything back to the digits on the scale.  Meeting handouts say things like "what were you doing the last time you lost weight?"  Goals are weight-focused, high-fives are weight-focused, success stories are weight focused.

1. The Happy Meeting People. The leaders of these meetings are so cheery, and may very well remind you that they have Kept The Weight Off, even if it's their post-baby weight and it was only 20 lbs. It does not endear me to their plight or make me feel more optimistic about my lifetime struggle with weight and the 100 lbs I have left to lose. Occasionally there's the Meeting Confessional where someone admits to eating the Whole Box of Cookies and shames herself in front of the group (and then gets a star for admitting it out loud). I usually feel like I know more about food, nutrition, health, and exercise than these folks who want to give me a sticker for being "On Target" every time I open my mouth. (I have neatly saved all of my stars in my weekly weight log-in book, thank you very much.)

I didn't even mention the bounty of stuff for sale at every meeting. I think women trying to lose weight should be a protected class not exposed to the bounty of Things To Buy that will supposedly help make them slim. Most of the women in my New Year's meeting were buying $50 start-up kids that included menu planners, special notebooks for tracking food, the WW calculator and so on. Fortunately (for me) all of this stuff is free on the web and WW does have a few good phone apps as well. At every meeting they also push their expensive snack food and bring free samples to share. I know they won't be sharing veggies at meetings until they figure out how to brand them.

All that said, I am tracking my food like a maniac, weighing in at every meeting, collecting my high-fives like I am on a victory tour, and losing weight. So I'll eat my words (zero points) and keep it up.  I am not turning away any tool that keeps me feeling like I am making healthy progress at this point, and right now WW seems to be helping me toward my goals.

Thinking outside of the box (and can)

I am rebuilding my way of eating. I grew up eating lots of single-serving foods out of the can (Thank Goodness for Chef Boyardee) and, when I became a mother at the age of 18, we continued eating on the go. We ate a lot of fast food, and did little cooking at home. We ate cheap food, which is also notoriously the least healthy. We are horrible at getting in fruits and veggies at an epic level. However, I have often eaten low-calorie- two meals a day, maybe eating out once and a bowl of cereal at home. I have rarely eaten breakfasts in my life. As a result of this and genetic history of family obesity, my metabolism is screwed. Last year I had some testing done which confirmed that I burn calories at an extraordinarily slow rate.  Most people my size would burn in the 2300 calorie range, and my natural sedentary daily burn is closer to 1300 calories as measured in the doctor office. (This can improve with activity level, and i have also taken some prescribed medication off and on that helps a tiny bit.)

Since starting Weight Watchers this month, I've eaten out only a couple times. Therefore, I have had to find ways of preparing easy foods at home. We are still only cooking a few nights a week, and also eating leftovers or quick snacks in between.  My husband and I have dissimilar tastes which makes the process more difficult. Whereas I prefer soups and chili and snacks, he prefers meatier foods. We have swapped out our ice cream habit with Skinny Cow drumsticks, and that helps stave off feelings of deprivation.

My goal is to try a new kind of fruit or vegetable each week to help expand my choices for healthy food. This week I bought kiwis. I am also collecting recipes on pinterest, and the pictures have inspired me. I love allrecipes.com because I can read feedback from others who have tried a meal.

I have also quit my diet coke habit. As hard as I tried to deny it, more and more research is linking diet coke to weight gain. I am trying harder to avoid preservatives and artificial sugars and chemicals in general, which is another reason that makes diet soda a non-starter. I've pretty much stopped diet coke completely since the 1st, and I've made it past the headaches but not the cravings. What I've found is that my water consumption has skyrocketed, and I think that my cravings for sugar are also reduced. I was drinking about 4 cans a day, so this is a big change.

Fewer preservatives means I need to cook more. Since it is often just the two of us eating, and because my hubby's not big on leftovers, I am trying to learn how to moderate portions. I am still trying to figure out how to make tasty veggie sides that work with our meals. I am doing new things. I am loving baby spinach with lemon juice. I have also transitioned to some "sometimes snacks" that are still full of this and that- (like the Skinny Cows even though they contain the dreaded HFCS, and Special K Cracker Chips) as I work on new habits of eating. I am trying to get out of the box.

Learning to run?

Isn't it silly that I need to learn to run? And that even though I've studied and read about running I can't do it? Even though it was a perfectly natural thing to do and proceeded easily from walking when I was just a few years old, now I am a 37 year old fat woman. After many years of college (12 in all) and neglecting my body, I have finally settled in to a less stressful job and am ready to turn some attention inward to take care of myself. Although I know I can never get back what I lost, I feel committed to changing my health and lifestyle.

Along with many other women and men across the world, I decided that the New Year would be a turning point for my health. I have held 266 pounds pretty consistently for the last 4 years, down from a previous high weight of 300. While I know it was good that I got rid of those 30 pounds and it's good that they didn't crawl back on, I still have over 100 extra pounds on my 5'5 frame. I've made half-hearted resolutions before; in fact, it was a ritual when I was growing up. On New Year's Eve my mom and I would go on a candy-bar buying spree and eat as many as we could before midnight. At midnight, the diet was on. Sometimes for a week, sometimes for months, but it never stuck. All those extra pounds were all that stuck. I have struggled with my weight for all of my life.

I joined Weight Watchers on Jan 1. In the last 4 weeks I have lost 10 lbs. I have been going to the gym 3 times a week, 45 minutes on the treadmill each time. I have worked up to about 2.5 miles at a go, and decided I want to go further. And faster!  I want to run.  My only experience with running was when I took it up (in a weight-loss attempt) in my mid 20's, and I worked my way up to 10 mile stints over 6 months.  I was about 80 lbs lighter then and it was HARD TO DO. When my husband returned from his military deployment I went back to grad school and stopped running, and climbed back up from my 190lb running weight to my 235lb grad school weight to my 300lb doctoral program weight.

 But it's a new day. I weigh about 260.  I have slowly started trying to incorporate a jog in to my walks. My walking speed is 3.2-3.4 MPH, and my jogging speed is 3.5-3.7.  So far, I have started jogging for 1 minute for every 5 minutes of walking. It's a slow start, but I don't want to hurt myself. I am running on the treadmill at the gym with no incline. For now my goals are speed and distance.

Last week I tried to start Couch 2 5k. But it was too soon. After two tries of week 1, I ended up with some shin splints. I have decided to move a little slower as a result. Once I get going on the C25K, I will stick with each week until I feel capable of moving on (by being able to finish the previous week, breathe without exhaustion, and no significant pain.) But I hope to use this blog to document my efforts toward health, my C25K experience, my weight loss, and other things related to working toward increased endurance, self care, and self love.

One last thing... I think that I was finally able to get to the point where I am able to really take my health seriously due to the Health At Every Size movement. Fat shaming is wrong. And people can be large and healthy.  I have not been very healthy; although I do not have high cholesterol or high blood pressure or symptoms of heart disease or other things that people assume I must suffer from when they look at me, I do not have the aerobic ability to climb two flights of stairs without losing my breath or to enjoy other outdoor activities I like to do. Feeling healthy is my real goal here, although tracking weight is one way that I will assess my progress. Although I appreciate support toward my goals, I have spent a lifetime hating my fat and am really trying to switch my perspective toward loving myself and striving for health. HAES reinforced the images of large people doing active things happily and that I need not be ashamed of being in public because of my girth.My weight says very little about who I am as a person. In fact, the only thing is REALLY says is that I am fat. I have more general motivation that most people, am more educated about food than many people, and eat better than plenty of thin folks. I know that my weight (and yours) is influenced greatly by genetics, but that there are things I can do to feel healthier.

 I hope that I might be an inspiration to others who are in the same place, but this blog-based documentation is mostly for me, and I have little interest in strictly weight-centered chatter.  I know that for a long time I'll run big and clunky like a rhino, and am not a graceful gazelle. I also know that I have power, and that anyone who doubts me better just get out of my way because I'm coming through.