Learning to run?

Isn't it silly that I need to learn to run? And that even though I've studied and read about running I can't do it? Even though it was a perfectly natural thing to do and proceeded easily from walking when I was just a few years old, now I am a 37 year old fat woman. After many years of college (12 in all) and neglecting my body, I have finally settled in to a less stressful job and am ready to turn some attention inward to take care of myself. Although I know I can never get back what I lost, I feel committed to changing my health and lifestyle.

Along with many other women and men across the world, I decided that the New Year would be a turning point for my health. I have held 266 pounds pretty consistently for the last 4 years, down from a previous high weight of 300. While I know it was good that I got rid of those 30 pounds and it's good that they didn't crawl back on, I still have over 100 extra pounds on my 5'5 frame. I've made half-hearted resolutions before; in fact, it was a ritual when I was growing up. On New Year's Eve my mom and I would go on a candy-bar buying spree and eat as many as we could before midnight. At midnight, the diet was on. Sometimes for a week, sometimes for months, but it never stuck. All those extra pounds were all that stuck. I have struggled with my weight for all of my life.

I joined Weight Watchers on Jan 1. In the last 4 weeks I have lost 10 lbs. I have been going to the gym 3 times a week, 45 minutes on the treadmill each time. I have worked up to about 2.5 miles at a go, and decided I want to go further. And faster!  I want to run.  My only experience with running was when I took it up (in a weight-loss attempt) in my mid 20's, and I worked my way up to 10 mile stints over 6 months.  I was about 80 lbs lighter then and it was HARD TO DO. When my husband returned from his military deployment I went back to grad school and stopped running, and climbed back up from my 190lb running weight to my 235lb grad school weight to my 300lb doctoral program weight.

 But it's a new day. I weigh about 260.  I have slowly started trying to incorporate a jog in to my walks. My walking speed is 3.2-3.4 MPH, and my jogging speed is 3.5-3.7.  So far, I have started jogging for 1 minute for every 5 minutes of walking. It's a slow start, but I don't want to hurt myself. I am running on the treadmill at the gym with no incline. For now my goals are speed and distance.

Last week I tried to start Couch 2 5k. But it was too soon. After two tries of week 1, I ended up with some shin splints. I have decided to move a little slower as a result. Once I get going on the C25K, I will stick with each week until I feel capable of moving on (by being able to finish the previous week, breathe without exhaustion, and no significant pain.) But I hope to use this blog to document my efforts toward health, my C25K experience, my weight loss, and other things related to working toward increased endurance, self care, and self love.

One last thing... I think that I was finally able to get to the point where I am able to really take my health seriously due to the Health At Every Size movement. Fat shaming is wrong. And people can be large and healthy.  I have not been very healthy; although I do not have high cholesterol or high blood pressure or symptoms of heart disease or other things that people assume I must suffer from when they look at me, I do not have the aerobic ability to climb two flights of stairs without losing my breath or to enjoy other outdoor activities I like to do. Feeling healthy is my real goal here, although tracking weight is one way that I will assess my progress. Although I appreciate support toward my goals, I have spent a lifetime hating my fat and am really trying to switch my perspective toward loving myself and striving for health. HAES reinforced the images of large people doing active things happily and that I need not be ashamed of being in public because of my girth.My weight says very little about who I am as a person. In fact, the only thing is REALLY says is that I am fat. I have more general motivation that most people, am more educated about food than many people, and eat better than plenty of thin folks. I know that my weight (and yours) is influenced greatly by genetics, but that there are things I can do to feel healthier.

 I hope that I might be an inspiration to others who are in the same place, but this blog-based documentation is mostly for me, and I have little interest in strictly weight-centered chatter.  I know that for a long time I'll run big and clunky like a rhino, and am not a graceful gazelle. I also know that I have power, and that anyone who doubts me better just get out of my way because I'm coming through.